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Normalizing Failure

9 Oct

I think you sense a theme here 🙂 My partner once told me that he filters the associates he wants to work with by seeing if they’re the type to run towards a fire or run away from it. Well I know that I’m the kind to run full speed towards the fire, take my sweater and beat the shit out of the fire in order to put it out. Call that what you will, but what you can’t call me is someone who would run away from a challenge. Or the possibility of failure.

I had the joy of being a guest speaker on Scott Hanselman’s podcast where we chatted for <1/2 an hour on Normalizing Failure. I humbly believe that you will relate and find it refreshing.

Con mucho amor, much love, all the time:

– Susana AKA Miss Chingona, La Mera Mera, La Coder, La Honey, La que / the one that will always keep it real with you. I hope you enjoy!

An update on Week 1 of Zoom University

10 Apr

It’s Friday morning and this week has felt like it has lasted FOREVA! Yesterday I had a moment of panic not being able to remember if it was Wed or Thurs until I remembered that I had just done Wed lectures. You know your life has changed fundamentally when you mark the days with which zoom lectures you’ve attended. 😅

Earlier this week I wrote a guide  To (now Online) College Students – You need a plan to succeed taken from my experience juggling being a mom to three girls, being a partner, cleaning, cooking, and being a full time student at Stanford University majoring in Computer Science.

Now that I’ve had my first 5 days of #zoomuniversity let’s dive in and talk about the good, the not so good, and the I wish this quarter was over.

The Good

I’ve kept up with my notes checklist and have tried to be kind to myself. I haven’t had a day where I didn’t work hard and yet I still feel behind. The things is some days I am super productive but half of that productivity goes to caring for my household and mom duties so I feel like I didn’t get enough done school wise. But you know what, I’m effin killing it.

Checklist for Wednesday: Look at that productivity!

Checklist for Wednesday: Look at that productivity!

Overall keeping a Google calendar and a checklist is going well. I just found out that Google Calendar has a sidebar with a task list if that’s more your jam but the task goes away once you check it off and well, I want persistent proof if what I did! 🙂

Celebrate Your Successes!

The Day 90 comment you see is my 90 days of not drinking. I didn’t really take a moment to celebrate that and I should – it’s a big accomplishment. I was using alcohol to numb pain from past trauma and at the back of my head I always feared that I would become an alcoholic like both of my parents. So the decision to go dry and to invest that time and energy into therapy and healing has been my biggest 2020 win.

Advocate For Yourself

Shout out to Engineering Professors Who Have Empathy + High Emotional Intelligence

At this point I have emailed all of my professors my education accommodation letter (here known as your OAE letter) and a note on my circumstances. Below is an email I sent:

Screen Shot 2020-04-10 at 9.18.34 AM

Email to professors re: my circumstances and asking for extensions over weekday deadlines

I was incredibly appreciative that they quickly responded. I won’t post their response to respect their privacy but they followed the below:

This is How You Should Respond to Your Student During This Time of Uncertainty

  • Acknowledge that their situation is challenging
  • Ask clarifying questions about how you can best help them
  • Reassure them that you are more than happy to be flexible and do what you can to ensure that they succeed
  • Follow through

That’s it. It’s not that hard.

Sadly, not all professors have responded in that manner and it pains me that I have to keep following up. My next step – since I won’t give up on advocating for myself – is to reach out to my advisor and office of accessible education coordinator to explicitly ask for extensions for assignments that are assigned and due on weekdays without a weekend in between. Some people won’t help you unless you make them. It shouldn’t have to be that way but sadly that’s the reality for a lot of people in power.

If there was ever a moment to follow the “Squeaky Wheel Gets the Oil” mentality – this is it! We’re in a pandemic, I’m about to follow Ms Londynn B’s example and bring it like:

*youtube video of Londynn B singing One Day – I don’t want no Problems*

The Not So Good

How do I balance being a family caretaker while going to school full time?

unnamed

Valentina, my 3yo, doing youtube preschool – That FACE says it all

A real challenge has been figuring out a balance of caring for my 3yo while attending live Zoom lectures (I have about 7 HOURS of lectures on M/W/F), taking notes, keeping up with dense readings, cooking, showering and looking human, and being there for my teenage daughters. I’m not going to lie – it’s been rough.

My 3yo doesn’t understand why we can’t play and cuddle all day if I am sitting right there in front of the computer. I’ve tried to make a 2 hour rule where every two hours I spend up to an hour with her doing ballet, phonics, going on walks, and just being there for her. But as you can expect, with all of the lectures, sections, readings, and HW’s I feel like I’m running a marathon every single day.

What has kept me going is that SO FAR I am still above water and that I’m down one week – 8 to go. Check in with me next week after all my psets and quizzes are due >_<

I’ve reminded myself that I am an incredible parent and that I am carrying a much heavier load than most and that all I can do is try my best. Love yourself and your efforts. This isn’t a time where you have to thrive – getting by as well as you can is an incredible feat PERIOD.

My Weekends are Meaningless 

In order to “succeed” this quarter, and by succeed I mean pass all my classes and absorb as much as I can, I have to work every day. No weekends. That’s a bitter pill to swallow but unfortunately this is a time when I have to make sacrifices. I’m working from 8 AM – midnight with “breaks” in between to do all my mom duties. If I don’t do a bulk of work on weekends there is no way that I can get all of my schoolwork done.

Working Out – Ms Mariah Carrey Says It Best

*gif with Mariah Carey shaking her head. Text: I don’t hear you, I don’t see you, You don’t exist to me”

I have nothing else to say on that.

Week 1 And I Wish This Quarter Was Over

I’m not going to lie, I wish we were done with school for the year. It’s rough not being around friends, not sitting next to them in lecture and exchanging looks, tips, and smirks as needed. And that’s coming from an ambivert closer to introvert side.

Follow Up With Friends – A Text From You Might Be Just What They Need

As humans, we have a tendency to center ourselves and feel like we are the only ones going through it. We isolate ourselves and wallow in our despair.

But this is a GLOBAL Pandemic. We’re not alone. Reach out to your loved ones – those that bring you joy.

I’ve been texting close friends to both check in on them and to maintain the relationships that I cherish. People are setting up all kinds of slacks and zoom meetups but I’ll be honest – I don’t have the energy to make new friends. Leaning on and being there for existing strong friendships is what serves as a salve when I need a meaningful connection to those outside of my home. Do what helps you!

Focus on What You Can Control

I want to end with reminding you (and me!) that there is only so much under our control. Don’t stress the small stuff – assess what you have to do, what you can do, and move forth.

My guiding thoughts these days:

  1. Prioritize schoolwork that is due soon – we want to graduate y’all!
  2. It is okay to give 80% to one class, 75% to another, and 100% energy to the courses that you want to absorb and that will help you professionally. These percentages will change week to week – do what you gotta do!
  3. When I feel like I can’t do this – reach out to those that will uplift me
  4. Lead with positive energy and mentality. Getting stuck in the – how am I going to do all of this mentality helps no one. Take it a bit at a time, chip away. One step at a time.
  5. Some days I will not be able to do any of the above. I will be kind to myself on those days, try to get some tiny task done and call that day a win and know that I will feel better tomorrow.
  6. We are all struggling.
  7. This will pass

Find your guiding thoughts, mantras, whatever keeps you going. And remember:

The mere act of living through a pandemic while going to school, caring for others, working, etc. IS A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT and we should all get an A on all of our coursework just by completing the course!

As always with much love and strength,

Susana

To (now Online) College Students – You need a plan to succeed

5 Apr

In the midst of the pandemic, first responders are struggling to keep our fellow Americans healthy; service workers have lost wages and tips; many of us are or will face the loss of a loved one; and many of us are trying to figure out how to keep the fridge stocked and a roof over our heads. Those are all incredibly difficult and life altering problems.

And so is the real issue of dealing with an education system that has moved online. For many students in the US, this will be the first experience with online learning or #zoomuniversity. As a former community college student (and many times failed online school student – side eyeing you Kaplan), I’ve juggled raising a family as a single mom, working 50+ hours at a high stress job, and taking a combination of in-person and online coursework. So I like to think I know a thing or two about the matter.

Making a plan that works for you – and how to interact with that plan to set yourself up for success

There’s several apps and tech out there but I like to keep it fairly simple. I make use of Google Calendar, iOS notes app, and sticky notes. My tips below:

  • Google calendar
  • Keeping up with the Lecture Schedule + Study Groups
  • HW, Quiz, Exam release dates + deadlines
  • The art of note-taking and asking questions
  • iOS notes app
    • Daily checklists
    • Check in with yourself
    • Journal
  • sticky notes on my display screen

Google Calendar: What to Add and Why

This is a tricky balancing act. Add too many items to your calendar and you will have an anxiety attack just looking at all the deadlines. Don’t add enough and you risk missing an important deadline or lookahead for exam studying.

Lecture Schedule

Personally I add lecture times or the time when the pre-recorded lecture will be up. Either way for the time window I include the length of the lecture plus an additional 15-30 minutes (depending on class content) for pausing and rewinding. This allows me to see the pockets of time that I have to dedicate for each class and I can “reschedule” it to another day or time when I know I can focus on content digestion.

Keeping up with lecture: The merry-go-round that never stops

Ay. We’ve all been there: class is recorded, we have overlapping classes, and we PROMISE ourselves that will catch up on the weekend – always on that mythically eternal long weekend that somehow always flashes before our eyes in a second with no progress on lecture. Before you know it, it’s two days before an exam and you’re are binging on lecture videos trying to LEARN new content instead of reviewing something that was taught weeks ago. Don’t fall victim to this vicious cycle – it never ends well.

Lecture Accountability: Form Study groups

What has worked best for me is setting up study groups pronto! More than one – including with people you don’t know. I use groupMe, group texts, Slack to communicate with different study groups. I then schedule days when we will go over HW problems (which rely on lecture) so that I HAVE to be ready. There’s nothing like the pressure to stay up to date because you want to help your friend out with their questions – it should always be a give and take dynamic.

The Art of Note-taking: How to Absorb content while viewing a video + Post on Piazza with my name (Not Anonymously)

I download the lecture slides (if available – all online classes should be required to have slides) onto my iPad. Before I saved for my iPad, I used to print out the slides (I am so, so, so sorry mother earth) and write notes on the pages.

With my iPad I can now follow along with the video and pause the video when I have question or am unclear on what was said. I note the time of the video and write what my question is. I continue with the lecture if this doesn’t stumble me up for the remaining content and see if my question is answered. If not then I post on piazza or whatever student Q&A platform the class uses and note what I am referring to (both content summary and timestamp of video) and state how I understand it (so prof has an opportunity to explain it further or differently if I misunderstood) and ask my question.

I publish questions with my name – not anonymously. Why? Because fellow students are more likely to answer a question if there is a name attached – that’s just human nature, and because someone I know or knows of me will be even more inclined to give an in-depth question. I had a CS class in which I made it my mission to give in-depth answers to all questions but especially to those posed by Latinx / Black students. Sue me.

Find the ways in which note-taking works best for you but know now that an online class will require more effort to master the content.

HW, Quiz, and Exam Dates

I add when a HW/Quiz/Exam is out and when it is due. That way I can see if I have multiple classes with the same deadline. I then reach out to my counselor, Office of Accessible Education coordinator, and professors – in that order so that I can see what accommodations are available to me, ask for those accommodations and get appropriate documentation if needed, and then email the professor and lead TA with a blurb on my specific situation, a specific ask, and attach the documentation.

If you’re floundering from day 0 because you have a lot on your plate (caring for children, parents, siblings, working, etc.) please follow the above. There is no reason that we should suffer alone and quietly. Squeaky wheel gets the oil is something you need to embrace as needed.

iOS notes app: checklists are my jam, journaling, inspiration

I use my notes app for pretty much everything. During a quarter I aim to post every day with a list of TODO items using the checklist feature.

Below is an example of recent posts. As you can see I forgot the tomatoes and I need to charge my phone 🙂

 

An example of my TODO list
I have been eating a lot of cheeze-its. We’re in a pandemic – don’t judge me!

What the Checklist is for – and what it Shouldn’t do

More importantly, you will notice that I don’t get through everything on my list in one day. Completion of tasks within the day is NOT the point. The point is to keep an inventory of TODOs, prioritize accordingly, and carryover anything that wasn’t done to the next day. No judgement. This is meant to help you – not make you feel worse.

You will also note that I include the mundane (grocery shopping), along with school work. I have one day where everything I did centered on cleaning and errands. Celebrate everything you accomplish because it is exactly that, an accomplishment. There will be days when you are too tired *raises hand*, too depressed *raises hand*, too busy with caring for loved ones *raises hand*, too whatever to do the schoolwork that has to get done. Be prepared for that. It doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you human – especially since at minimum you are dealing with stress induced by the pandemic and all the changes and uncertainty that it brings.

Journaling – I was terrible at it until…

You guessed it, I used my notes app. I’ve tried to buy pretty stationary, notebooks, blogs *yes this blog – stop judging me!* to establish a daily-ish journaling practice and it just never took. A few months ago I started some intense trauma therapy and to stay anchored and document my progress and state of mind I started jotting down notes under each day. Things like, how I felt when I woke up (e.g. feeling groggy, good / bad sleep, # hrs of sleep), how I felt that day (e.g. a good day, in a funk, a really bad can’t get out of bed day). I included workouts I did – never what I didn’t do. What I cooked that day, a memory I made that day w/ friends or fam, etc.

These check-ins lead to the practice of self-awareness and introspection – one of the most powerful skills you can hope to develop. It also allows you to look back and question false statements such as “I was so lazy this week.” Were you lazy? Or were you just dealing with extra shit that week? This has helped me identify what triggers my anxiety and depression – also a very powerful and life-altering skill.

There are no rules – jot down what you want!

Inspiration

If you ever need an idea for a startup, social justice issue you should care about, or a poem – I got you. I write these down too. But I keep these in separate notes. I love being able to reference these to undo “writers block”, get a brainstorm for CS group research projects going, etc.

Sticky Notes! Printouts! —> Physical Inspiration Board

Before being a full time student at Stanford, I was the Global Business Development Lead for the Technology Transactions & IP Group, Data Privacy Group, and the Life Sciences Industry Group at a top three law firm. Yeah it’s a mouthful and it was a lot. To keep me from losing my mind from all the deadlines, being the only Latina in the entire department, working in all white spaces in a corporate setting, reporting to some very childish and a-holy personalities (though also some incredibly supportive and amazing partners who I owe a lot to and learned a lot from), and to keep pushing myself to achieve more I kept an inspiration board. Well that’s a stretch.

What I did was print out articles of bad ass mujeres achieving despite their circumstances and graphs and visuals on tech trends; maintained a white board with my upcoming high level strategic goals, handwritten messages from colleagues, silly drawings, and sticky notes all over my screen with sayings like – “Remember Who You Are”, “You’ve Been Through So Much Worse”, “Look at You Miss Chingona – Get it!” and the such. I loved that board. It kept me rooted in who I was, where I came from, and most importantly where I knew I was going. It reminded me that even though I ‘just had a HS diploma’ that I was keeping up and outrunning colleagues who had advanced degrees from Ivy Leagues.

These days, I remind myself how far I’ve come since taking my first introductory CS class. How far I’ve come since the shitty childhood I had in Boyle Heights / East Los, the trauma, the abusive relationships, being a single mom at 23 to two toddlers in LA without help from anyone, all the shit I had to crawl through to get to where I am. I told you I was a chingona. 😉

Osea – Be your own cheerleader

So use these sticky notes to be your own cheerleader. Because no one, absolutely no one should be a bigger cheerleader for you than you are for yourself. Because there will most likely be moments (and at times repeated long periods) when you fail, when you feel that you have fallen into a hole so deep and dark that no one sees you anymore and from which you don’t see a way out. In those moments, that’s when you can tap into that inner cheerleader and urge yourself to take it a day at a time, un poquito a la vez, because this is what your new measure of success may be – Am I a little further (no matter how much) than I was yesterday? Sometimes you will feel like you walked back, other days like you didn’t move at all, but there will be days that you advance. Un Dia a La Vez. 

TLDR / In Conclusion

Be prepared. Make a plan. Continuously check in and update that plan. Find what works for you and adapt accordingly. Check in with yourself – not just academically. Be kind to yourself. Know that You will get there and You will be cheerleading yourself on the whole way.

Like I love to say, we have to Take Life By the Horns and Make it Your B!tch! 🙂

Transferring to Stanford Q&A – A student’s perspective

12 Jan

Hi! If you’re here because of this tweet, welcome!

Screen Shot 2020-01-17 at 3.53.04 PM

Feel free to read more about me in the About page but a brief intro:

I’m a senior at Stanford University majoring in CS in the AI track. I’m also a transfer student (transferred from a Cañada Community College). I’m Latinx, first-gen, and nontraditional (over 25) and a mom to three girls.

To start off PLEASE APPLY. I’ll let you in on a little secret: Every single one of us thought we wouldn’t get in because our year the acceptance rate was <2%. Pero aqui estoy!

To share information as much as possible I will list Q&A from DM’s resulting from the tweet above. While I wish everyone well, I am concentrating my efforts in increasing the number of Latinx, Black, Native American, first-gen / low income community college transfers. I respectfully ask that you not DM me on the process for grad school or frosh app (no idea). Follow me @susanabenavidez and DM me your questions.

Let’s begin! I will share the questions I’ve received and answers I provide. Please note that my answers do not in any way represent Stanford nor are legal advice nor are to be taken as official instructions of any kind. Names are removed and questions are edited for clarity.

Q. How do I event start the application process?

A. Here’s a checklist from Stanford detailing exactly what you need to submit for your application.

Q. Can I afford it?

A. I can’t answer this question for you but I can share that Stanford has been incredibly generous with me and many of the transfer students that I know. I got into UC Berkeley – you can read about that here and the financial package I got meant I had to pay several thousands of dollars even though I qualified for financial aid with a low family contribution. When I got into Stanford – you can read about that moment here I didn’t respond. It wasn’t until the transfer director contacted me to see what was going on. I told her I was waiting on financial aid because I couldn’t commit without knowing what I would owe. She checked and I got my FA letter almost immediately.

I almost screamed when I saw the generous $$$ scholarship they awarded me. It was like they made it so I couldn’t say no. My youngest was 4 months old when I started and they even provided me with a daycare stipend. It obviously doesn’t cover all of my expenses as I have a big family but it covers enough to give me peace of mind.

See here for official information from Stanford about cost / aid estimates.

Q. Do they accept transfer students out of California?

A. Yes! My transfer class had students from all over the US and an international student from Singapore.

Q. Hi Susana – I’m considering CS at Stanford!. I’m already a self-taught developer but I want to go back to school. My biggest obstacle is that I’m undocumented and low income. I’m not sure where I can find resource for my specific case. Any tips, would be much appreciated. 🙂

A. I emailed financial aid and will report back what they say (didn’t give any identifying information)

“Hi Susana, Stanford treats undocumented students as US domestic students in the undergraduate admission process, assessing their applications under the same need-blind admission policy it uses for citizens of the United States. Stanford will use institutional funds to meet the full demonstrated financial need of undocumented students who are admitted. Please share our Undocumented Student webpage with your friend and let him know that he is welcome to call our office if he has any concerns.

Our number is 650-723-3058.

Financial Aid Officer Montag Hall, 355 Galvez Street Stanford, CA 94305-6106 | T 650.723.3058”

Here is the link to the Undocumented Student webpage: financialaid.stanford.edu/undergrad/how/

Q. I received several questions that asked for general advice. I mean many of us are first-gen students and didn’t receive the guidance on how to apply to schools or that Stanford even takes transfers.

“I’m a second year (first born and gen) student at —- college and I wasn’t planning on transferring anywhere until 2021 as a —— student. I honestly never considered Stanford until I came across your tweet! I need all the orientation I could get so I was wondering if you had some pointers that I could work on for during this next year! Thank you sm.”

A. What I did:

JOURNAL Your Accomplishments:

I kept notes of everything I was involved in and did outside of academic school work:
  • Approach professors to take their honors course – some offer a contract you sign and you just have to do extra work and a research paper – apply to symposiums at Berkeley and Stanford to present your research – your counselor should have this info
  • I was a single mom so I added everything I do as a parent on top of working full time and going to school
  • I volunteered at startup orgs showing that my interest in entrepreneurship was tangible
  • I started a social media group for parents that grew into a building a new school effort, served as advertising for the Chamber of Commerce to attract families, and resulted in networking that got me my first business development job
  • I worked up the ladder in business development and highlighted my leadership position at a prestigious firm
  • I had community organizing experience, freelance writing, and showed how much I grew and survived while thriving. It’s hard to remember everything if you don’t take notes in a journal.

Your accomplishments don’t have to look like mine. The transfer class for my year was incredibly diverse and ran the gamut of life experiences. That’s the point. Stanford wants to attract a diverse community of students.

Q. How did you structure your personal statement?

A. My personal statement told a story that went something like this:

  • who I was + where I started
  • the trauma / struggles that defined my early ‘failure’
  • how I took that failure and let it motivate my next moves
  • my commitment to higher education + equality of education (my focus is edtech / CS + Social Good)
  • highlighted the turn from where I was to what I did to accomplish -> highlighted the biggest and most impressive accomplishments
  • how I would leverage my time at Stanford to reach my goals (for me, a startup in edtech / social good space)

That’s sort of the short story of how I approached my personal statement. I would share it except that my essay was deeply personable, emotionally raw, and describes trauma / abuse that I don’t want to share here quite yet.

But the higher level approach I took was – what do I have that others don’t? Why am I impressive? I took the little that life gave me as a start and turned it into mother effin magic.

Let me illustrate my point via a couple of pictures:

candAvB

ladders

Highlight the Upward Trend of your Life that demonstrates sustained growth.

How do you respond to ‘failure’? I’ve had many challenges in my life. ‘Failure’ is hard, really hard. Most people give up, settle, crumble under failure. Others take that failure, learn from it, pivot and take off to their potential. Be the latter. 

failure

In other words, I wasn’t the ‘perfect’ candidate given the early ‘failures’ in my life. But I definitely demonstrated resilience and the ability to not run away from my problems or the shame that comes with them. I owned what happened to me as well as the decisions I made. I spoke about the motivations in my life for a better life and Not Giving Up (for me my little girls). And I showed what a badass I am by letting them see the growth from where I started and what I accomplished with the little I had.

Q. Did you do any research as a community college student?

Q. What is campus life like?

A. I feel like you have to ask someone else on what it’s like as a 20 yo but from my very unique experience:

The first year was tough. It can feel incredibly isolating when you are a nontraditional student and don’t feel like you belong. I joined and took on leadership positions at Women in CS and Society of Latinx Engineers. This helped somewhat. I also took several creative writing courses and that was a great way to meet friends as the classes are tiny (~8 students v. the hundreds in my CS classes).

Eventually I worked through the belief and voice that told me I didn’t belong and worked on carving out spaces for me on campus.

Last year and this year have been incredible socially. I feel like I have friends wherever I go and I very much feel like Stanford is home.

I have done so much while on campus, the opportunities are incredible:

  • Did the Levinthal Tutorial, a 1:1 class with a Stegner Fellow and read one of my short stories to a large audience. I’ve never shared outside of small workshopping.
  • Was a Seeds of Change cohort leader where I went through Stanford’s Women’s Executive Leadership program and taught similar concepts to high school girls interested in STEM
  • Member of CS + Social Good where I took the incredible CS51/52 two quarter course where we ideated, prototyped, and then built a product as a solution posed by an edTech partner
  • Summer CS + Social Good Fellow where I interned at a tiny but powerful edTech startup. I grew so much as an engineer – I had to – I was the 2nd engineer on staff!
  • WiCS and SOLE: Met so many companies that I recruited to come speak to our members, including some very cool CEOs that I really admire
  • Moderated an event with Ellen Pao A Conversation with Ellen K. Pao, tech investor and advocate, the former CEO of reddit, and a cofounder of the award-winning diversity and inclusion nonprofit Project Include
  • Took the novel writing class and have a draft (very rough) of my first novel!
  • Presented my research at the Latinx in AI workshop at NeurIPS last month in Vancouver
  • Forged incredible relationships with CS professors that I deeply admire
  • Met my co-founder!
  • Interned at Y Combinator and Thunkable, a YC Company
  • El Centro for Friday Cafecito (Mexican sweet bread + hot chocolate / sometimes atole or champurrado YUM!)

I know I’m forgetting a lot. But you get the point, if you leverage the resources there is so much to do!

 

While we Mourn We Should See

25 Apr

I wore the only dress I had that seemed semi-decent
It rolled up around my neck but hung dangerously low
so I pinned it
pin pin
fix it.

But nothing could fix your absence.
You were supposed to lift us.
I looked to you to save us.
You’d gone so far already…
Was it really that much to ask?

But mother effer, this life is so cruel
it doesn’t abide by our rules

Why won’t you do my bidding?
SO I won’t have to
Grieve
Someone like you.

I grew up in East Los.
I thought I was used to this.
The loss.
The end.

But no,
don’t you see?
You left a large gaping hole.
And it hurts,
because try as I might
I won’t ever fill it for those that loved you.

How dare you?
How dare you?
Leave?

New Words

9 Apr

You just don’t even see

You don’t even hear
How you not gonna see
me humpin a teddy bear
with my milk teeth
but you turn around
and walk out
Don’t even flinch and see you way out
What I gotta do to make you see?
But why I try?
Why I care?
for a woman who
don’t bother tryin’
don’t bother blockin’
what my future really be?
15 years flash forward
Baby on each hip
Who you think I learned from?
who you think I try to escape from?
Love
Love
Didn’t even know what that was
I thought college…College…College
Education?
No
It was my last line
Working at the office
library
Mervyn’s 11 pm – 3 am
Practically hoeing
on the metro
for cents on the dollar
tryin’ to be honest
trying to pay u bills
White man tender couldn’t see
No loan for you
keep workin’
keep hopin’
Thanks LMU
I’m lookin’ at you
But what you see?
what you hear?
Nothin
Nothin
Nothin
That’s all you remember
Nothin’ to do wit you
My mama
the one who should be caring
the one supposed to love me
Love at first sight
Or was it Hate At First Sight?
couldn’t get that hanger hook on right?
Boyle Heights walls be translucent
Paper thin
paper white
You wish
But let me know somethin’
if White ruled your world
why you sleep with that creep in me?
I thought I was garbage
Why you think I try those pills
and not one
but two and three
and more
was not enough?
Lying in that bed
probed
pumped
stripped
And all you and he could ask
What They Gonna Think?
Hell hole you had me livin in
Hell hole you seemed so content with
But I know now
I know different now
That hate you spilled
is me
Sad for you
but I love me
I could keep going
but only a lifetime can be told
and I’ve known
one or three

Why Does an Angeleno Move to Silicon Valley?

23 Mar

I’m going on 5 years living in Silicon Valley. In this ridiculously overpriced, overhyped, overprotected, over-homogenous small town called Menlo Park. It feels like a five year old collar that has been shrinking, itching, suffocating the pure smog air that I miss from my dear LA.

Why do I miss LA you ask? Why miss a city that chews up so many dreams? How can I love a city that draws so many non-Native Angelenos and transforms them into pompous, vapid, ass-holy replicas of Entourage characters, or better yet – reveals who they were all along? Because I was born there, simple as that. And of all loyalties that I hold, my relationship to LA is a blood connection. And blood, blood is not easily erased.

LA is the relative I will never disown, the friend who keeps stumbling and falling in public but who I keep defending because hey, she has heart you know, she’s been through some stuff you know?

LA is my birthplace, the only place where I will ever truly feel like I’ve arrived home. My mother gave birth to me at LA County General Hospital and she won’t miss a beat to tell you that she was confined to some God-forsaken corner of some ill-gotten wing of the ancient, creaky hospital to give flight to her screams of pain. Minute by minute she will tell you how my birth, her second, took 18! No 20! No 24! No 36 hours of pain as I stubbornly refused to exit her short, warm body. But can you blame me? Did I know the world that awaited me?

And through some very windy, bumpy roads I find myself here. And not only here for here’s sake but here because shit is happening for me here you see. Attending Stanford and all, majoring in CS and all, and yet I feel so ready to ignite like 4th of July Fireworks until I descend back onto a city that sees my brown-ess not as just a nanny to my own daughter, not as just an interesting story, but as me. As my chingona self.

In LA I can howl. I can run, I can grab and lift and throw.

And here I feel so muted, lying in wait, tick tock, for shit to happen, to make shit happen, until I’m seen for what I’ve done and not who I am. To be a sum of my parts and not my whole self.

And then I remember sullenly that I left LA because it was drowning me in its glittery promise of a simple, sated life that did not include and exclamation point after my name. LA, my dear LA, would have left me in a ditch if I let it.

SO here I am in Silicon Valley until I make a name for what I carry inside, the desire for positive change. To leave the world a better place than I found it. And seeing it that way, that itchy, blindingly white collar is tolerable for a bit longer.

 

 

 

American Dream

7 Feb

I want to climb big mountains

with my brown bare feet gripping the dry earth

skimming,

propelling forward at lightspeed.

But I live surrounded by hills that end in city dumps.

I want to consume large quantities of

knowledge

so I read and read and read

but I don’t know if I’m reading the right thing when I’m stuck in my

ghetto library.

I walk aisle by aisle, reading methodically every book

in every library my two dusty feet can take me to.

But I’m not sure if I’m walking in the right direction,

am I a fish swimming round and round in a fishbowl

confusing it for a the great big ocean?

I want to roar

primitive,

like an animal

who don’t give a fuck,

but I open my mouth and it chokes on all of the hands pressing against me.

I want to feel, I want to dance, I want to be beautiful,

but my neighbors are watching,

the nuns say it’s indecent,

the book,

which my parents have never read,

must surely have a rule against it.

I want to strut,

like the Big Bad Bitch I am,

look down on the dirty, cracked concrete that the city never fixes,

but a 40 year old Veterano throws a penny inside my shirt,

pulling me down to the same gritty, grimy, tired, hood that we both live in.

I want to be a Queen and Rule

but, but,

who is rooting for me?

I want to be a King

but who will by my subjects?

I want to stomp and devour,

I want to scream.

But who is listening?

I want to be written about in books,

not, I think for vanity,

but to be read about

by girls like me.

I want to inspire.

I want to experience.

I want to make it count.

I want to help a people, all people

but those people don’t want to help me.

I want to take

I want to give

I want to make you remember

I want to make you see

I want to

I want to

I want to achieve the American Dream

but so many don’t see me as American.

I want to

I want to

I will.

 

See Me Please

29 Jan

I’m wearing a cream chiffon dress.

I look lovely.

Should I dart in front of that truck?

My tanned skin glistens in the sun, screaming Southern California health.

Toned.

Strong.

The windows were open on our 15th floor lunchroom.

They beckoned,

strongly.

I averted my eyes, blocking the windows out, the LA sunshine.

Pretending everything was okay, eating my lunch.

I run to catch the bus to pick up my daughters and I remember.

I remember.

I can’t leave.

I can’t leave them.

This conversation, and many iterations, airbrushed versions, quiet cries, fake smiles, masked feelings, shuffling raw sewage of hurt dripping away to make it blend. Blending. Existing, surviving, smiling, living.

Walking through life wanting to not only survive but to find MEANING.

So many times, so many days. I wanted to stop it. Just stop.

And it was always them that kept me present. That saved me from myself, from my brain that was hurting from the frantic energy buzzing inside, from the inability to neatly file shit away in a folder. No folder could hold it.

Like The Nightmare Before Christmas. Sewn together, coping. Hoping to hide the seams that were bursting, screams pushing outward to free the energy that I have for life.

When you want so much but you are given a 1 square meter space to fit into. The space given only gets smaller as time progresses. People tune out. They sign off on your failure.

Not knowing what is inside.

Bubbling out. Leavening. Like rising bread.

I take a bite and I enjoy the taste. So I keep kneading and baking.

I hate baking.

It makes me uncomfortable.

But I keep pushing.

And today, now.

I am a balloon filled with so many voices, so many stories, so many paths.

And I am asked, “Who Are You?”

Expected to answer in 2 sentences.

And I always take longer and I fight the feeling that I am taking up too much space.

I want to shrink onto myself.

Not speak.

Because when I let it out, when I roar,

it fucking hurts.

And when I hear that roar from others,

that low growl before the end

it fucking hurts.

Why does it have to hurt so much for so many?

I am okay. I am fine.

I am even.

I can say this with honesty now.

I can say this with confidence.

In the face of the questioning looks, of the wonder, of the hostile unwelcomes.

This place can be so unwelcoming.

 

Almost a joke.

How cold, how faceless, how irritatingly alike so many people choose to be.

See me please.

See me.

Because I strive to see you.

Because how hard is it?

To See with Kind Eyes?

 

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