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An update on Week 1 of Zoom University

10 Apr

It’s Friday morning and this week has felt like it has lasted FOREVA! Yesterday I had a moment of panic not being able to remember if it was Wed or Thurs until I remembered that I had just done Wed lectures. You know your life has changed fundamentally when you mark the days with which zoom lectures you’ve attended. 😅

Earlier this week I wrote a guide  To (now Online) College Students – You need a plan to succeed taken from my experience juggling being a mom to three girls, being a partner, cleaning, cooking, and being a full time student at Stanford University majoring in Computer Science.

Now that I’ve had my first 5 days of #zoomuniversity let’s dive in and talk about the good, the not so good, and the I wish this quarter was over.

The Good

I’ve kept up with my notes checklist and have tried to be kind to myself. I haven’t had a day where I didn’t work hard and yet I still feel behind. The things is some days I am super productive but half of that productivity goes to caring for my household and mom duties so I feel like I didn’t get enough done school wise. But you know what, I’m effin killing it.

Checklist for Wednesday: Look at that productivity!

Checklist for Wednesday: Look at that productivity!

Overall keeping a Google calendar and a checklist is going well. I just found out that Google Calendar has a sidebar with a task list if that’s more your jam but the task goes away once you check it off and well, I want persistent proof if what I did! 🙂

Celebrate Your Successes!

The Day 90 comment you see is my 90 days of not drinking. I didn’t really take a moment to celebrate that and I should – it’s a big accomplishment. I was using alcohol to numb pain from past trauma and at the back of my head I always feared that I would become an alcoholic like both of my parents. So the decision to go dry and to invest that time and energy into therapy and healing has been my biggest 2020 win.

Advocate For Yourself

Shout out to Engineering Professors Who Have Empathy + High Emotional Intelligence

At this point I have emailed all of my professors my education accommodation letter (here known as your OAE letter) and a note on my circumstances. Below is an email I sent:

Screen Shot 2020-04-10 at 9.18.34 AM

Email to professors re: my circumstances and asking for extensions over weekday deadlines

I was incredibly appreciative that they quickly responded. I won’t post their response to respect their privacy but they followed the below:

This is How You Should Respond to Your Student During This Time of Uncertainty

  • Acknowledge that their situation is challenging
  • Ask clarifying questions about how you can best help them
  • Reassure them that you are more than happy to be flexible and do what you can to ensure that they succeed
  • Follow through

That’s it. It’s not that hard.

Sadly, not all professors have responded in that manner and it pains me that I have to keep following up. My next step – since I won’t give up on advocating for myself – is to reach out to my advisor and office of accessible education coordinator to explicitly ask for extensions for assignments that are assigned and due on weekdays without a weekend in between. Some people won’t help you unless you make them. It shouldn’t have to be that way but sadly that’s the reality for a lot of people in power.

If there was ever a moment to follow the “Squeaky Wheel Gets the Oil” mentality – this is it! We’re in a pandemic, I’m about to follow Ms Londynn B’s example and bring it like:

*youtube video of Londynn B singing One Day – I don’t want no Problems*

The Not So Good

How do I balance being a family caretaker while going to school full time?

unnamed

Valentina, my 3yo, doing youtube preschool – That FACE says it all

A real challenge has been figuring out a balance of caring for my 3yo while attending live Zoom lectures (I have about 7 HOURS of lectures on M/W/F), taking notes, keeping up with dense readings, cooking, showering and looking human, and being there for my teenage daughters. I’m not going to lie – it’s been rough.

My 3yo doesn’t understand why we can’t play and cuddle all day if I am sitting right there in front of the computer. I’ve tried to make a 2 hour rule where every two hours I spend up to an hour with her doing ballet, phonics, going on walks, and just being there for her. But as you can expect, with all of the lectures, sections, readings, and HW’s I feel like I’m running a marathon every single day.

What has kept me going is that SO FAR I am still above water and that I’m down one week – 8 to go. Check in with me next week after all my psets and quizzes are due >_<

I’ve reminded myself that I am an incredible parent and that I am carrying a much heavier load than most and that all I can do is try my best. Love yourself and your efforts. This isn’t a time where you have to thrive – getting by as well as you can is an incredible feat PERIOD.

My Weekends are Meaningless 

In order to “succeed” this quarter, and by succeed I mean pass all my classes and absorb as much as I can, I have to work every day. No weekends. That’s a bitter pill to swallow but unfortunately this is a time when I have to make sacrifices. I’m working from 8 AM – midnight with “breaks” in between to do all my mom duties. If I don’t do a bulk of work on weekends there is no way that I can get all of my schoolwork done.

Working Out – Ms Mariah Carrey Says It Best

*gif with Mariah Carey shaking her head. Text: I don’t hear you, I don’t see you, You don’t exist to me”

I have nothing else to say on that.

Week 1 And I Wish This Quarter Was Over

I’m not going to lie, I wish we were done with school for the year. It’s rough not being around friends, not sitting next to them in lecture and exchanging looks, tips, and smirks as needed. And that’s coming from an ambivert closer to introvert side.

Follow Up With Friends – A Text From You Might Be Just What They Need

As humans, we have a tendency to center ourselves and feel like we are the only ones going through it. We isolate ourselves and wallow in our despair.

But this is a GLOBAL Pandemic. We’re not alone. Reach out to your loved ones – those that bring you joy.

I’ve been texting close friends to both check in on them and to maintain the relationships that I cherish. People are setting up all kinds of slacks and zoom meetups but I’ll be honest – I don’t have the energy to make new friends. Leaning on and being there for existing strong friendships is what serves as a salve when I need a meaningful connection to those outside of my home. Do what helps you!

Focus on What You Can Control

I want to end with reminding you (and me!) that there is only so much under our control. Don’t stress the small stuff – assess what you have to do, what you can do, and move forth.

My guiding thoughts these days:

  1. Prioritize schoolwork that is due soon – we want to graduate y’all!
  2. It is okay to give 80% to one class, 75% to another, and 100% energy to the courses that you want to absorb and that will help you professionally. These percentages will change week to week – do what you gotta do!
  3. When I feel like I can’t do this – reach out to those that will uplift me
  4. Lead with positive energy and mentality. Getting stuck in the – how am I going to do all of this mentality helps no one. Take it a bit at a time, chip away. One step at a time.
  5. Some days I will not be able to do any of the above. I will be kind to myself on those days, try to get some tiny task done and call that day a win and know that I will feel better tomorrow.
  6. We are all struggling.
  7. This will pass

Find your guiding thoughts, mantras, whatever keeps you going. And remember:

The mere act of living through a pandemic while going to school, caring for others, working, etc. IS A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT and we should all get an A on all of our coursework just by completing the course!

As always with much love and strength,

Susana

To (now Online) College Students – You need a plan to succeed

5 Apr

In the midst of the pandemic, first responders are struggling to keep our fellow Americans healthy; service workers have lost wages and tips; many of us are or will face the loss of a loved one; and many of us are trying to figure out how to keep the fridge stocked and a roof over our heads. Those are all incredibly difficult and life altering problems.

And so is the real issue of dealing with an education system that has moved online. For many students in the US, this will be the first experience with online learning or #zoomuniversity. As a former community college student (and many times failed online school student – side eyeing you Kaplan), I’ve juggled raising a family as a single mom, working 50+ hours at a high stress job, and taking a combination of in-person and online coursework. So I like to think I know a thing or two about the matter.

Making a plan that works for you – and how to interact with that plan to set yourself up for success

There’s several apps and tech out there but I like to keep it fairly simple. I make use of Google Calendar, iOS notes app, and sticky notes. My tips below:

  • Google calendar
  • Keeping up with the Lecture Schedule + Study Groups
  • HW, Quiz, Exam release dates + deadlines
  • The art of note-taking and asking questions
  • iOS notes app
    • Daily checklists
    • Check in with yourself
    • Journal
  • sticky notes on my display screen

Google Calendar: What to Add and Why

This is a tricky balancing act. Add too many items to your calendar and you will have an anxiety attack just looking at all the deadlines. Don’t add enough and you risk missing an important deadline or lookahead for exam studying.

Lecture Schedule

Personally I add lecture times or the time when the pre-recorded lecture will be up. Either way for the time window I include the length of the lecture plus an additional 15-30 minutes (depending on class content) for pausing and rewinding. This allows me to see the pockets of time that I have to dedicate for each class and I can “reschedule” it to another day or time when I know I can focus on content digestion.

Keeping up with lecture: The merry-go-round that never stops

Ay. We’ve all been there: class is recorded, we have overlapping classes, and we PROMISE ourselves that will catch up on the weekend – always on that mythically eternal long weekend that somehow always flashes before our eyes in a second with no progress on lecture. Before you know it, it’s two days before an exam and you’re are binging on lecture videos trying to LEARN new content instead of reviewing something that was taught weeks ago. Don’t fall victim to this vicious cycle – it never ends well.

Lecture Accountability: Form Study groups

What has worked best for me is setting up study groups pronto! More than one – including with people you don’t know. I use groupMe, group texts, Slack to communicate with different study groups. I then schedule days when we will go over HW problems (which rely on lecture) so that I HAVE to be ready. There’s nothing like the pressure to stay up to date because you want to help your friend out with their questions – it should always be a give and take dynamic.

The Art of Note-taking: How to Absorb content while viewing a video + Post on Piazza with my name (Not Anonymously)

I download the lecture slides (if available – all online classes should be required to have slides) onto my iPad. Before I saved for my iPad, I used to print out the slides (I am so, so, so sorry mother earth) and write notes on the pages.

With my iPad I can now follow along with the video and pause the video when I have question or am unclear on what was said. I note the time of the video and write what my question is. I continue with the lecture if this doesn’t stumble me up for the remaining content and see if my question is answered. If not then I post on piazza or whatever student Q&A platform the class uses and note what I am referring to (both content summary and timestamp of video) and state how I understand it (so prof has an opportunity to explain it further or differently if I misunderstood) and ask my question.

I publish questions with my name – not anonymously. Why? Because fellow students are more likely to answer a question if there is a name attached – that’s just human nature, and because someone I know or knows of me will be even more inclined to give an in-depth question. I had a CS class in which I made it my mission to give in-depth answers to all questions but especially to those posed by Latinx / Black students. Sue me.

Find the ways in which note-taking works best for you but know now that an online class will require more effort to master the content.

HW, Quiz, and Exam Dates

I add when a HW/Quiz/Exam is out and when it is due. That way I can see if I have multiple classes with the same deadline. I then reach out to my counselor, Office of Accessible Education coordinator, and professors – in that order so that I can see what accommodations are available to me, ask for those accommodations and get appropriate documentation if needed, and then email the professor and lead TA with a blurb on my specific situation, a specific ask, and attach the documentation.

If you’re floundering from day 0 because you have a lot on your plate (caring for children, parents, siblings, working, etc.) please follow the above. There is no reason that we should suffer alone and quietly. Squeaky wheel gets the oil is something you need to embrace as needed.

iOS notes app: checklists are my jam, journaling, inspiration

I use my notes app for pretty much everything. During a quarter I aim to post every day with a list of TODO items using the checklist feature.

Below is an example of recent posts. As you can see I forgot the tomatoes and I need to charge my phone 🙂

 

An example of my TODO list
I have been eating a lot of cheeze-its. We’re in a pandemic – don’t judge me!

What the Checklist is for – and what it Shouldn’t do

More importantly, you will notice that I don’t get through everything on my list in one day. Completion of tasks within the day is NOT the point. The point is to keep an inventory of TODOs, prioritize accordingly, and carryover anything that wasn’t done to the next day. No judgement. This is meant to help you – not make you feel worse.

You will also note that I include the mundane (grocery shopping), along with school work. I have one day where everything I did centered on cleaning and errands. Celebrate everything you accomplish because it is exactly that, an accomplishment. There will be days when you are too tired *raises hand*, too depressed *raises hand*, too busy with caring for loved ones *raises hand*, too whatever to do the schoolwork that has to get done. Be prepared for that. It doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you human – especially since at minimum you are dealing with stress induced by the pandemic and all the changes and uncertainty that it brings.

Journaling – I was terrible at it until…

You guessed it, I used my notes app. I’ve tried to buy pretty stationary, notebooks, blogs *yes this blog – stop judging me!* to establish a daily-ish journaling practice and it just never took. A few months ago I started some intense trauma therapy and to stay anchored and document my progress and state of mind I started jotting down notes under each day. Things like, how I felt when I woke up (e.g. feeling groggy, good / bad sleep, # hrs of sleep), how I felt that day (e.g. a good day, in a funk, a really bad can’t get out of bed day). I included workouts I did – never what I didn’t do. What I cooked that day, a memory I made that day w/ friends or fam, etc.

These check-ins lead to the practice of self-awareness and introspection – one of the most powerful skills you can hope to develop. It also allows you to look back and question false statements such as “I was so lazy this week.” Were you lazy? Or were you just dealing with extra shit that week? This has helped me identify what triggers my anxiety and depression – also a very powerful and life-altering skill.

There are no rules – jot down what you want!

Inspiration

If you ever need an idea for a startup, social justice issue you should care about, or a poem – I got you. I write these down too. But I keep these in separate notes. I love being able to reference these to undo “writers block”, get a brainstorm for CS group research projects going, etc.

Sticky Notes! Printouts! —> Physical Inspiration Board

Before being a full time student at Stanford, I was the Global Business Development Lead for the Technology Transactions & IP Group, Data Privacy Group, and the Life Sciences Industry Group at a top three law firm. Yeah it’s a mouthful and it was a lot. To keep me from losing my mind from all the deadlines, being the only Latina in the entire department, working in all white spaces in a corporate setting, reporting to some very childish and a-holy personalities (though also some incredibly supportive and amazing partners who I owe a lot to and learned a lot from), and to keep pushing myself to achieve more I kept an inspiration board. Well that’s a stretch.

What I did was print out articles of bad ass mujeres achieving despite their circumstances and graphs and visuals on tech trends; maintained a white board with my upcoming high level strategic goals, handwritten messages from colleagues, silly drawings, and sticky notes all over my screen with sayings like – “Remember Who You Are”, “You’ve Been Through So Much Worse”, “Look at You Miss Chingona – Get it!” and the such. I loved that board. It kept me rooted in who I was, where I came from, and most importantly where I knew I was going. It reminded me that even though I ‘just had a HS diploma’ that I was keeping up and outrunning colleagues who had advanced degrees from Ivy Leagues.

These days, I remind myself how far I’ve come since taking my first introductory CS class. How far I’ve come since the shitty childhood I had in Boyle Heights / East Los, the trauma, the abusive relationships, being a single mom at 23 to two toddlers in LA without help from anyone, all the shit I had to crawl through to get to where I am. I told you I was a chingona. 😉

Osea – Be your own cheerleader

So use these sticky notes to be your own cheerleader. Because no one, absolutely no one should be a bigger cheerleader for you than you are for yourself. Because there will most likely be moments (and at times repeated long periods) when you fail, when you feel that you have fallen into a hole so deep and dark that no one sees you anymore and from which you don’t see a way out. In those moments, that’s when you can tap into that inner cheerleader and urge yourself to take it a day at a time, un poquito a la vez, because this is what your new measure of success may be – Am I a little further (no matter how much) than I was yesterday? Sometimes you will feel like you walked back, other days like you didn’t move at all, but there will be days that you advance. Un Dia a La Vez. 

TLDR / In Conclusion

Be prepared. Make a plan. Continuously check in and update that plan. Find what works for you and adapt accordingly. Check in with yourself – not just academically. Be kind to yourself. Know that You will get there and You will be cheerleading yourself on the whole way.

Like I love to say, we have to Take Life By the Horns and Make it Your B!tch! 🙂

Transferring to Stanford Q&A – A student’s perspective

12 Jan

Hi! If you’re here because of this tweet, welcome!

Screen Shot 2020-01-17 at 3.53.04 PM

Feel free to read more about me in the About page but a brief intro:

I’m a senior at Stanford University majoring in CS in the AI track. I’m also a transfer student (transferred from a Cañada Community College). I’m Latinx, first-gen, and nontraditional (over 25) and a mom to three girls.

To start off PLEASE APPLY. I’ll let you in on a little secret: Every single one of us thought we wouldn’t get in because our year the acceptance rate was <2%. Pero aqui estoy!

To share information as much as possible I will list Q&A from DM’s resulting from the tweet above. While I wish everyone well, I am concentrating my efforts in increasing the number of Latinx, Black, Native American, first-gen / low income community college transfers. I respectfully ask that you not DM me on the process for grad school or frosh app (no idea). Follow me @susanabenavidez and DM me your questions.

Let’s begin! I will share the questions I’ve received and answers I provide. Please note that my answers do not in any way represent Stanford nor are legal advice nor are to be taken as official instructions of any kind. Names are removed and questions are edited for clarity.

Q. How do I event start the application process?

A. Here’s a checklist from Stanford detailing exactly what you need to submit for your application.

Q. Can I afford it?

A. I can’t answer this question for you but I can share that Stanford has been incredibly generous with me and many of the transfer students that I know. I got into UC Berkeley – you can read about that here and the financial package I got meant I had to pay several thousands of dollars even though I qualified for financial aid with a low family contribution. When I got into Stanford – you can read about that moment here I didn’t respond. It wasn’t until the transfer director contacted me to see what was going on. I told her I was waiting on financial aid because I couldn’t commit without knowing what I would owe. She checked and I got my FA letter almost immediately.

I almost screamed when I saw the generous $$$ scholarship they awarded me. It was like they made it so I couldn’t say no. My youngest was 4 months old when I started and they even provided me with a daycare stipend. It obviously doesn’t cover all of my expenses as I have a big family but it covers enough to give me peace of mind.

See here for official information from Stanford about cost / aid estimates.

Q. Do they accept transfer students out of California?

A. Yes! My transfer class had students from all over the US and an international student from Singapore.

Q. Hi Susana – I’m considering CS at Stanford!. I’m already a self-taught developer but I want to go back to school. My biggest obstacle is that I’m undocumented and low income. I’m not sure where I can find resource for my specific case. Any tips, would be much appreciated. 🙂

A. I emailed financial aid and will report back what they say (didn’t give any identifying information)

“Hi Susana, Stanford treats undocumented students as US domestic students in the undergraduate admission process, assessing their applications under the same need-blind admission policy it uses for citizens of the United States. Stanford will use institutional funds to meet the full demonstrated financial need of undocumented students who are admitted. Please share our Undocumented Student webpage with your friend and let him know that he is welcome to call our office if he has any concerns.

Our number is 650-723-3058.

Financial Aid Officer Montag Hall, 355 Galvez Street Stanford, CA 94305-6106 | T 650.723.3058”

Here is the link to the Undocumented Student webpage: financialaid.stanford.edu/undergrad/how/

Q. I received several questions that asked for general advice. I mean many of us are first-gen students and didn’t receive the guidance on how to apply to schools or that Stanford even takes transfers.

“I’m a second year (first born and gen) student at —- college and I wasn’t planning on transferring anywhere until 2021 as a —— student. I honestly never considered Stanford until I came across your tweet! I need all the orientation I could get so I was wondering if you had some pointers that I could work on for during this next year! Thank you sm.”

A. What I did:

JOURNAL Your Accomplishments:

I kept notes of everything I was involved in and did outside of academic school work:
  • Approach professors to take their honors course – some offer a contract you sign and you just have to do extra work and a research paper – apply to symposiums at Berkeley and Stanford to present your research – your counselor should have this info
  • I was a single mom so I added everything I do as a parent on top of working full time and going to school
  • I volunteered at startup orgs showing that my interest in entrepreneurship was tangible
  • I started a social media group for parents that grew into a building a new school effort, served as advertising for the Chamber of Commerce to attract families, and resulted in networking that got me my first business development job
  • I worked up the ladder in business development and highlighted my leadership position at a prestigious firm
  • I had community organizing experience, freelance writing, and showed how much I grew and survived while thriving. It’s hard to remember everything if you don’t take notes in a journal.

Your accomplishments don’t have to look like mine. The transfer class for my year was incredibly diverse and ran the gamut of life experiences. That’s the point. Stanford wants to attract a diverse community of students.

Q. How did you structure your personal statement?

A. My personal statement told a story that went something like this:

  • who I was + where I started
  • the trauma / struggles that defined my early ‘failure’
  • how I took that failure and let it motivate my next moves
  • my commitment to higher education + equality of education (my focus is edtech / CS + Social Good)
  • highlighted the turn from where I was to what I did to accomplish -> highlighted the biggest and most impressive accomplishments
  • how I would leverage my time at Stanford to reach my goals (for me, a startup in edtech / social good space)

That’s sort of the short story of how I approached my personal statement. I would share it except that my essay was deeply personable, emotionally raw, and describes trauma / abuse that I don’t want to share here quite yet.

But the higher level approach I took was – what do I have that others don’t? Why am I impressive? I took the little that life gave me as a start and turned it into mother effin magic.

Let me illustrate my point via a couple of pictures:

candAvB

ladders

Highlight the Upward Trend of your Life that demonstrates sustained growth.

How do you respond to ‘failure’? I’ve had many challenges in my life. ‘Failure’ is hard, really hard. Most people give up, settle, crumble under failure. Others take that failure, learn from it, pivot and take off to their potential. Be the latter. 

failure

In other words, I wasn’t the ‘perfect’ candidate given the early ‘failures’ in my life. But I definitely demonstrated resilience and the ability to not run away from my problems or the shame that comes with them. I owned what happened to me as well as the decisions I made. I spoke about the motivations in my life for a better life and Not Giving Up (for me my little girls). And I showed what a badass I am by letting them see the growth from where I started and what I accomplished with the little I had.

Q. Did you do any research as a community college student?

Q. What is campus life like?

A. I feel like you have to ask someone else on what it’s like as a 20 yo but from my very unique experience:

The first year was tough. It can feel incredibly isolating when you are a nontraditional student and don’t feel like you belong. I joined and took on leadership positions at Women in CS and Society of Latinx Engineers. This helped somewhat. I also took several creative writing courses and that was a great way to meet friends as the classes are tiny (~8 students v. the hundreds in my CS classes).

Eventually I worked through the belief and voice that told me I didn’t belong and worked on carving out spaces for me on campus.

Last year and this year have been incredible socially. I feel like I have friends wherever I go and I very much feel like Stanford is home.

I have done so much while on campus, the opportunities are incredible:

  • Did the Levinthal Tutorial, a 1:1 class with a Stegner Fellow and read one of my short stories to a large audience. I’ve never shared outside of small workshopping.
  • Was a Seeds of Change cohort leader where I went through Stanford’s Women’s Executive Leadership program and taught similar concepts to high school girls interested in STEM
  • Member of CS + Social Good where I took the incredible CS51/52 two quarter course where we ideated, prototyped, and then built a product as a solution posed by an edTech partner
  • Summer CS + Social Good Fellow where I interned at a tiny but powerful edTech startup. I grew so much as an engineer – I had to – I was the 2nd engineer on staff!
  • WiCS and SOLE: Met so many companies that I recruited to come speak to our members, including some very cool CEOs that I really admire
  • Moderated an event with Ellen Pao A Conversation with Ellen K. Pao, tech investor and advocate, the former CEO of reddit, and a cofounder of the award-winning diversity and inclusion nonprofit Project Include
  • Took the novel writing class and have a draft (very rough) of my first novel!
  • Presented my research at the Latinx in AI workshop at NeurIPS last month in Vancouver
  • Forged incredible relationships with CS professors that I deeply admire
  • Met my co-founder!
  • Interned at Y Combinator and Thunkable, a YC Company
  • El Centro for Friday Cafecito (Mexican sweet bread + hot chocolate / sometimes atole or champurrado YUM!)

I know I’m forgetting a lot. But you get the point, if you leverage the resources there is so much to do!

 

How to raise children while not being an asshole

17 May

I have been told many times, “You should write a book about raising children! Your girls are just magical!” And every time I heard that I thought, what a fraud I must be to let them think that I could be an authority on raising children. I’m afraid enough on how some day I may fuck up my own children, I really don’t need the stress of having rando 24 year old’s coming up to me to tell me how the book I wrote enabled their shitty parent. No thank you!

But…

I can write a blog post or two… Porque, well, my answer to people who ask, “How do you do it? How do you raise lovely girls?” I always kinda scratch my head and think, it’s quite easy…Don’t be an asshole and you’ll be fine.

But I’ll expand on that because I can understand that not being an asshole can be pretty vague. What I mean is treat your children the way you want them to approach their life. Let me break it down for you:

  1. Be kind. This one seems the easiest to forget. We forget what it is like to have unkind words, looks, actions, judgements, etc. targeted at us. When someone chooses to be shitty to you instead of you know, just providing a kind accepting smile, that hurts. It cuts. And it may not seem like it should hurt that much but do we really want our children to treat others as if they are an executioner a la Death by a Thousand [paper] cuts? This is a daily practice. It means leaving the crap you have accumulated throughout the day from stress at work/school/home outside of the relationship you have with your kid. And btw, it’s totally cool to let them know, “Momma/{insert your title} is having a bad day. I’m in a funk and I’m trying to shake it mija, can you give me a moment to shake it out?” Or whatever makes sense to you. In other words, communicate with your child. Let them in on what’s going on so they don’t feel like the only time you address them is to tell them what to do or what they did wrong.
  2. Don’t do the mean shit your parents did to you. Let’s be real, we all had parents that did something (or todo, osea everything) that totally still fucks with our head today. Yet, we don’t really talk about it. We deal with it. And yet we don’t because in moments of high stress we find ourselves turning around and doing the same damn thing to our own kids. Why? Because we let it simmer and boil and we dare not let off steam towards our parents but  somehow our kids are acceptable targets??? This makes no sense. So next time you feel the anger escalating, think, “How would young me respond to this? Would I do this to myself as a child?” You can’t imagine how many times I have stopped myself by asking, “What would my parent have done?” and then ask myself, “how would that make me feel?” and then after quickly surmising that it would make me feel shitty, I think, “Well, let’s not repeat that mistake.” and try to take it from there. You don’t need to have all the answers. Ask my 3 year old, I just answer most of her “Why [insert all matters that pertain to daily life here] happen?” with “Why do you think it happens?” Works every time. That golden nugget aside, en serio, a little humility and honesty in telling your kid (especially your teenager) that your job is to be a guide and cheerleader to help them find their path (while not living in your basement) and not to be the holder of all answers, will go a long way. Because we should raise our children to be flexible with life’s uncertainties and with our role as (human) guides.
  3. Love you child. This doesn’t mean just blindly claim that “I would do anything for you!” but instead to practice unconditional love is to know you who your child is. Because let’s face it, there’s a diversity of humans on this planet and they are not all delightful so don’t just say “I love you” —  show them that you are there to get to know them and truly SEE and HEAR (Listen Linda! didn’t go viral for nothing, we all need to be heard) them. You may be able to stop the next serial killer, I mean raise the next genius (insert whatever dream parents have for themselves, I mean their children). “What are their passions?” trumps, “What will get them into X school?” Because in a world of big data and algorithms that measure your likelihood of success and impact, most schools will not buy that your kid is interested in everything.
  4. You will have ups and downs. You will have moments where you think, fuck! I just totally screwed my kids. But keep in mind, as long as you are caring for your children (listening to them, feeding them, providing them nurturing), you will be okay. I mean you’re leagues ahead of what my set of humans did for me and look how well I turned out…potty mouth aside. With my girls I’ve learned to push and guide but to also step back and let them explore to have them find what they love. Once they know that, nurture that love and discipline to pursue it. That’s the epitome of passion and privilege and who doesn’t want to provide privilege and opportunities to their child? If you say no, you’re lying! Or you’re a [ insert your own adjective here ] parent…
  5. Your main job is to guide. To protect. To provide. To love. If you provide a loving, understanding, nurturing, and nutritive childhood for your kiddo, you are doing much more than most. But know that sometimes (many times) you will have to be stern and not fun. Many, many times you will think what the heck? How am I messing this up? How am I [insert your own definition of failure here] ? But the fact that you have that concern and are doing something to be a positive influence and presence in your child’s life is more than enough. You don’t have to solve all of your child’s problems. That’s like taking over the console and winning all the games while your children just sit back as quiet spectators. Life will provide many windy and interesting paths as well as straight lines (directed cyclical graphs.. DAGs – sorry I am currently taking an artificial intelligence class and well DAG is just the most awesome acronym) and you should remind them that not one decision they make will be the decision of their life. Each decision informs following outcomes and decisions but it never gets out of our control (thank you USA but actually know that your mind and thought process are yours, no one owns nor can dictate how they should function [again unless you’re that serial killer /harmer of living things]). You can find your way to the same destination by taking several paths so it is never the end of the world. Unless you’re that serial killer I mentioned, by which I hope you have been caught already.
  6. Raise your children to be curious and to have follow through. If your kid loves to dance, have them find classes they can take and see if they have the self-motivation to work towards it (with appropriate age-related guidance). Teach them to be lovers of reading – hint: love to read yourself and do it in front of them. They will want to follow.
  7. Be open minded and welcoming of who they are as they find and define themselves. Don’t put baby in a corner. Let them guide you when it comes to getting to know them. Because they will always be the expert (and should feel as much) on who they are.
  8. Raise them to love themselves. This means you have to watch what you say about yourself. If you say “love yourself” while complaining about how you look, how much money you make, what title you have or don’t, etc. you will not be effective. Practicing self-love is hard but worthwhile; so do it and be the kind guide that helps your children grow into self-loving, kind adults that are ready to treat the world with love.
  9. Raise them to seek happiness, balance, and independence. This means, help them derive happiness from the sound of trees rustling, the feeling of the sun on their skin, a hummingbird flying around your flower bed, [insert any of mother natures beautiful daily (by the second) gifts. Raising children who can cool off, who can look at life like a glass half full, who can rise above the gray…that is the mark of a good parent. And a healthy child and future adult.
  10. Many more things but this covers a big chunk of it. Just practice being a non-shitty parent over and over again and talking to your kids. Listening to them. Instilling in them the qualities you wish others had around you.

When All Else Fails, if you had shitty parents, do the opposite of what they did. Hasn’t failed me yet. 😉

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