Shit throws me for a loop sometimes. Standing here in San Diego with the ocean lapping at my feet, my hotel room 15 feet away, disbelief fills me as I sit here drinking a glass of red and nibbling on dark chocolate.
I am incredibly lucky to be here. What made me any different from those no longer here? What makes me different from those that experience a similar fate in their childhood? The pain was too strong for them, it smothered and ate them alive. They walk around half empty, falling apart with each passing day. And yet here I am feeling stronger with the passage of time; filled with hope that I am moving forward.
I don’t want to touch on the pain, I don’t want to mention the past; some day I will be able to openly tell you why I felt so destroyed though I’m sure many of you guess correctly at it.
But now I just want to type, type, and type about the happiness I have found. It’s nothing supernatural, I didn’t win the lottery, I don’t live in a castle, it’s nothing material. It’s a state of being. It’s peace. It is clean, lovely, uncomplicated love and good honest day-to-day living towards something better. It is traveling, meeting strangers, smiles on the road, holding hands, embraces, endless kisses goodnight to my little monkeys… It is many things, it is all and it is nothing grand. Yet I feel like I am floating. I am coasting.
I am alive. Thank you. Thank you to myself for making sure that is possible. Thank you to my daughters for the inspiration to live and to find a renewed sense of hope. Thank you world, thank you trees, sky, grass, vibrant colors that fill this earth. Thank you San Francisco with your kindness and magical introduction to love.